Really?

 I stumbled across this blog post because one of my FB friends posted a link to it, along with a note about how it is a good reminder for all of us, or something like that. Now, I'm in general agreement that it is not worth yelling over spilled milk. Accidents happen, kids will be kids, etc. So I thought I would generally agree with this blog post. Then I read it, and the more I think about it, the more I disagree with most of it. Read it here first. Then come back to me. I'll wait right here.


Okay, so yeah, a three-year-old throwing shoes into the water... Well, I don't know. That probably would make me mad. Depending. Did the three-year-old throw the shoes to be a punk? If so, what does calmly fishing the shoes out of the water teach him? Maybe that it's okay to throw shoes in water? On the other hand, did the three-year-old not know that throwing shoes in the water is wrong? Did the three-year-old accidentally knock the shoes in the water? Now that I might find funny. But I can't buy that a three-year-old doesn't A) know that throwing shoes in the water is not a good thing to do. Which naturally leads me to B) the three-year-old trying to be a punk.

The author says: 

I'm not mad when someone spills.

I'm not mad when someone makes a mess.

I'm not mad when something gets broken.

I'm not mad when my kids act like kids.

And I thought:

When milk gets spilled because my kids are screwing around at the dinner table (this is 95 percent of the reason milk gets spilled at my house), I am annoyed. I may not scream or shout or punish, but I will reprimand. I will correct the behavior. The same goes with making a mess. Will I yell about a mess? Probably not. Will I expect the mess maker to clean said mess up? You betcha.

 The author goes on to say:

Every time we respond to our kids in anger, it damages our relationship. Every time we respond in anger, it takes us further away from our goal of peace, harmony and mutual respect.

And I thought:

Really? I mean, I try not do a lot of yelling. I go DAYS without yelling at my kids. Hell, I go DAYS without needing to reprimand them. But I will wager to say that getting angry at my kids (which, yes, GASP, I've done) doesn't damage our relationship. I would argue that an appropriate, honest response of anger to something that warrants an angry response teaches my kids several things at once: that I am human, that some behavior is not okay, and that the world will not look the other way when they throw shoes in the water just because they are cute. I think the fact that I establish boundaries and outline clear rules has earned me their respect.

In turn this story bothers me a lot:

Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University professor who delivered his famous Last Lecture to his class (which was later turned into a book of the same name) before he died from cancer in 2008, illustrated this in such a beautiful - if a bit extreme - way.  He'd just gotten a fancy new convertible, and his sister was harping on her children, Randy's niece and nephew, to be careful.  Don't mess up the new car.  Be careful around the new car.  Don't spill anything in the new car.  Randy, putting his niece and nephew first, basically told her to relax.  He walked to the car, poured an entire soda on the back seat, and said, 

"It's just a car."

Okay, yes, I guess that's true. My kids are more important to me than the $20 shoes they might pitch in a lake (but seriously, could a world exist where my kids just know better than to throw the shoes in the lake in the first place?). But is anyone concerned that the above story could also teach a child that expensive things aren't worth taking care of? Spilling soda on the interior of a brand-new car to teach an object lesson about the unimportance of material things seems, to me, to backfire. It is a privilege to own a fancy car. Presumably the owner worked hard to earn the car. It is a privilege for a five-year-old to have a DSi. I expect said five-year-old to treat this toy with respect. To take care of it. To appreciate its value and act accordingly.

It's possible I completely missed the point of the blog post. But to my eye, not sweating the small stuff sometimes could lead to spoiled, indulgent kids who think they can do whatever they want, whenever they want. And is that what the world needs?

The funny thing is that that I don't consider myself a strict disciplinarian by any means. My relationship with my girls is harmonious and peaceful. I believe mutual respect exists. At the same time, we've managed to raise children who think about the cost of something and realize that X hours of work went into pay for that item. Yell about a pair of shoes willfully thrown into a lake? Maybe not. Expect the shoe thrower to pay for a replacement pair (assuming the shoe thrower knew what he/she was doing)? Absolutely.

My mother-in-law tells a story about her two boys screwing around in the living room (I believe they were throwing things at each other?) and accidentally knocking over some sort of expensive statue that belonged to their father. Okay, so a broken statue. No big deal, right? Don't sweat the small stuff, right? But what teaches the more valuable lesson? Getting in trouble for your carelessness and having to pay to replace the statue? Or having no consequences for your actions? I just can't see how option B would be a valuable lesson for a child. But maybe that's just me.

And at the end of the day, it's ALL just a car.  Just a pair of shoes.  Just a camera.  None of it is worth getting upset about.  None of it is worth getting mad about.  None of it matters.  

I get the point the author was trying to make. Really I do. But the broken camera, the missing pair of shoes, the broken statue... Do we really want our kids to leave a pile of destruction in their wake? Kids will be kids, yes. Accidents happen, yes. But isn't it our job as parents to guide our children? To teach them to value people and property? Is throwing shoes into a lake a matter of kids acting like kids? My kids don't do stuff like that. Or is it a matter of enabling bad behavior? Not knowing the author or her kids, I can't comment. So yes, the message is a good one: Spend less time yelling, spend more time loving and nurturing. But shouldn't there be room in there somewhere for some discipline?

Edited to add: Apparently, the author got a lot of comments on the Spilled Milk post, which she addresses here.  So it seems we are more in agreement than I'd originally have thought.