I Got Screwed at the Jewel

This blog post is mostly so I can have another chance to say I *literally* got screwed at the Jewel because when am I ever going to get a chance to say that again? Actually, given the dead bugs in my produce and the occasional moldy loaf of bread or rotten fruit I've purchased, I'll probably be able to say it figuratively many more times until I finally wise up and start shopping somewhere else.

Anyhow, I was reaching for a pumpkin last night when I got more than I bargained for. See, now, if I'd had the presence of mind to snap a photo, THIS is where I would post it, but instead, you will have to imagine the crease of my thumb with a screw sticking out of it. (See: That is the part where I got *screwed*!) A photo also would have been helpful when the manager later demanded that I show him EXACTLY where it happened. A smarter person would have marked the spot in X with her blood, but I have insomnia and am not firing on all cylinders lately. Believe me, though, I'm taking notes for next time:

1. Photo
2. Pull impaled screw from hand
3. Mark spot with blood
4. Start screaming bloody murder

I missed many brilliant opportunities here. AND I don't even have the screw anymore because the store TOOK it. Which is a shame because I probably should have had it tested for the plague and rubella and anthrax.

The rest is a long boring story that is not worth your time. Suffice to say that I received a free tetanus shot for my trouble *and* a $25 gift card for my time. Honestly, this does not even cover my hourly rate (I was there for two hours!), but whatever. I mean, how can you put a price on the ability to say you were screwed at the Jewel?

My thumb is swollen and red today, so if I'm lucky, I'll also get a nice infection out of the deal. So to sum up: a free tetanus shot, a $25 Jewel gift card, a possible infection, and maybe a case of some sort of flesh-eating bacteria.

Best Monday EVER? Oh yes, quite possibly.
After the screw incident, I bought myself a bag of fun-size snickers and a bag of peanut butter cups because nothing says chocolate like a screw in the hand. (I am killing myself today.)