Just So You Know, Everything You Are Doing (or Not Doing) Is Wrong

I feel like I've been inundated by articles lately that tell me what I'm doing wrong as a parent. I yell too much. I don't yell enough and thus my children are brats. And also? I am not spending enough quality time with my children. (Hmm, maybe that is why they are brats?)

After a summer spent juggling work while also trying to tend to children whose camp day is not nearly long enough, the last one got me right where I live, prompting me to propose game night. Ten minutes into a game of Sorry!, I remembered why I never, ever suggest game night. I stewed about the last article for a while and then just got completely irritated with the whole situation.Why are we, as parents, so focused on pointing out to each other what we're all doing wrong? Where are the articles that highlight what 90 percent of us are doing right?

I'll let you in on a little secret: I strongly suspect that the parents of the five-year-old who is running rampant in a restaurant could care *less* if their kid is a brat. Seriously. I have a news flash for you: There are people in this world that really don't care how their actions affect others. Meanwhile the parents of the kids who are acting like children in the restaurant--seated at the table (because going to a restaurant is a special treat, not a right, and there are certain behavioral expectations)  but speaking too loudly (because they are children) and banging their fork against the table (because they are children) and just otherwise not acting like tiny adults (because they are children), *those* parents are so stressed about whether or not you find their children to be brats that instead of enjoying their meal with their kids, they're yelling at them for every tiny thing. And are thus violating the whole "don't yell at your kids over spilled milk" dictum. It's no wonder we are all uncorking the wine once these wee ones are in bed.

Being a parent is not without its challenges. We all know this. If you haven't had a child throw an ungodly tantrum in the middle of Jewel, I commend you. But I ask you this: What places are considered, as Granderson terms them, "adult-oriented establishments"? I mean, that term immediately calls to my mind a porn shop, and you can rest assured that I don't bring my children to such places. Jewel, on the other hand, is not an adult-oriented establishment. I mean, have you seen those firetruck carts? I'll also go so far as to argue that any place with a children's menu is not an adult-oriented establishment. So if my brat ruined your dinner at Chili's (I mean, my children are pretty exceptionally behaved at restaurants, but everyone has their off days), I might suggest you try dining at Charlie Trotter's next time. I'd also suggest that I've had plenty of adult diners ruin my dinner for various reasons, so before we go out on a limb and say that our children are brats, I think we should be a little more all-encompassing and go so far as to say that some people, regardless of age, simply suck. Hey, I don't like it either.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that some people's kids aren't brats or that some parents aren't too permissive. I mean, I did post this, after all. But as someone who is in the trenches of this crazy little thing we call parenthood, I can tell you that the parents I know are going out of their way *every second of every day* to make sure their children aren't brats. They may not be successful every second of every day, but isn't that kind of the point? We are shaping these children to become respectful, responsible adults, and there are going to be some slips along the way. That's just the way it goes. I'd go out on a limb and say that a five-year-old Granderson may even have been a brat in public a time or two.

And lest you get the idea that I object to Granderson's article because my children are, in fact, the aforementioned brats, I'll tell you that when we flew to Mexico in March, we were on the receiving end of multiple compliments about the girls' behavior. To quote one woman: "I had no idea your children were even on the plane!" And isn't that the highest compliment? Because don't we all want these small beings to sit down and be quiet and not make their presence known? Success!

And then there's the whole, "dear parent, I saw you at the museum the other day and you were being a really crappy parent" article. Yes, it's a good reminder that we are all too distracted and that we are seldom giving our children 100 percent of our attention. Believe me, I get the sentiment and I don't argue with it. It made me feel guilty for half the night! But I do feel like everyone, everywhere is asking us for more. 35 years ago, your mom stayed home all the time and even then she was cooking and cleaning and managing the house--not spending hours on end playing hide-and-seek and doing crafts and reading books. Now we get to work outside the home (sweet!) while still acting as the classroom mom and baking the homemade cookies for the class party and playing endless games of Sorry! and keeping the house clean and making sure everyone has underwear. I think more than anything else, we need some articles that cut us a few breaks as parents because we all know what we are doing wrong. I doubt very many of us really need articles to point out where we are failing.

So here's a callout and high five to you:

• For spending all day at the pool with your kids even though you had 15 loads of laundry at home (and if you took some time out to read a book for a few minutes, more power to you because we all need some downtime once in a while and it's GOOD for kids to play with their friends sometimes)
• For taking your kids camping for a weekend and exposing them to such wonderful things as salamanders and outhouses and dirt and daddy long legs (this one is for me because I rock)
• For playing that game of Sorry! after an eight-hour work day and an hour commute even though you desperately need to make dinner and walk the dog and you haven't had a chance to pee in two hours
• For taking the time-out you need to go out with your friends or go for a run or go to the freaking grocery store by yourself because you know you'll be a better parent for your time away
• For taking your kid to museums and aquariums and restaurants in the first place even IF you are checking your e-mail while you are away
• For being at home with your kids all day every day even if you aren't spending every waking moment playing Sorry! or hide-and-seek or doing arts and crafts (but seriously, why aren't you? Kidding!)
• For waking up and doing this parenthood thing every day all day with no real breaks because you know it is worth it even when it's not and because you know you're doing the very best you can with whatever cards you've been dealt for the day

All of you rock. Seriously. Your kids aren't brats. You are giving them plenty of undivided attention. And you are yelling just enough but not too much. Kudos on a job well done! I bet none of your kids will wind up in prison or on a chain gang or on a stripper pole or living in your basement at 40. And that, my friends, is what it's all about, right?