The Days Are Long (Reflections on Five Years of Motherhood)

It goes by so fast. People fall all over themselves to tell you this when you've first had a baby. When you're in the thick of life with a newborn, mired in sleepless nights and fatigue so thick you can barely see, hearing "it goes by so fast" is like nails on a chalkboard. At least it was for me. I won't speak for Dean here, but I did not take to motherhood easily. I have friends who spend those first months in a state of bliss, but Ella and I had a rocky start together. As far as I was concerned, motherhood was for the birds. Of course, there were Ella's hip issues to deal with (she was born with developmental dysplasia of the hips, which in hindsight was no big deal but which involved lots of doctor's appointments, x-rays, ultrasounds, etc., in the first six months of her life and also involved first a harness and then a splint--good times!), not to mention our nursing issues, and what I came to realize later was pretty severe PPD. But we somehow muddled through. At 10 weeks, Ella started to sleep through the night quite magically (and spoiling me for her sister, who would turn out to be a terrible, terrible sleeper). More sleep certainly helped. But there was still a huge learning curve for me when it came to motherhood. I second-guessed every single decision I made, driving my friends crazy in the process. And in a way, as an accidental byproduct of how tough that first year was, I wished it all away. Things will certainly be easier, I told myself, once she's sleeping better, crawling, walking, off the bottle, potty-trained,etc., etc.

Now I look at my beautiful, precocious five year old and think Man! It goes by so fast! (And yes, I've said the same thing to parents of new babies--I just can't help myself now. I feel like I need to warn them to wring the preciousness out of every minute.) I've spent this entire week looking at Ella and trying to reconcile her in my head with the tiny baby I know she once was. The conclusion I've come to is that if I coiuld relive just one day in my life, I'd go back in time and spend a day with Ella as a newborn baby. Why Ella and not Sadie? Hard to say. I've wondered about that myself this week. Is it because Sadie is still a baby to me (don't tell her I said that because at nearly three she would protest loudly!)? Is it because Sadie is still small enough to hold against my chest with her chin tucked under my head? Is it because I really did enjoy every second of Sadie's newborness (my troubles with Sadie wouldn't start until she was about nine months old and still waking up every two hours to nurse)? Is it because I nursed Sadie and spent countless hours with her curled in my arms? Maybe it's all of the above.

Ella was a difficult newborn. She was fussy and cried a lot. She wouldn't sleep during the day unless she was being held in someone's arms. Now I think about newborn Ella and laugh because I can think of things I did or things she didn't like and totally see her personality taking shape. This is a kid that demands to be engaged (at least most of the time). She challenges me more than Sadie does, for sure. And now, after five years of being schooled in the art of motherhood, I can appreciate this. At five, Ella is self-possessed and confident. She has a poise to her that I find startling in someone so young. She is empathetic--sometimes to the point of tears. She can be blindingly sweet. She has a memory that I find shocking and a little disarming at times. I can't wait to see what the future holds for a grown-up Ella, as I imagine she'll make a pretty neat adult. But for the time being, I'm savoring the days--as long as they may be sometimes. My mother-in-law once said: The days are long but the years are short. And this is definitely true. Fortunately, I think I've finally hit my stride.