Fumbling for Flexibility

I'm a big fan of consistency, schedules, rules. Bedtime at 7:30 (for the girls, not for me, though I'm usually ready before they are). No candy in the morning. No snacks (or snakes) in the living room. Sunday's long run on Sunday. And if the schedule calls for eight miles, then eight miles it is. And definitely no speed work the day before your long run. Because that's not how it's done.

I'm sure this rigidity is what drew me to editing. I mean, it's not all completely black and white. But I can count on the fact that the serial comma always comes before and in a series or that there should only be one space after punctuation (seriously--don't even get me started on this stuff because you'll be sorry you did). Or the fact that complement/compliment are two very different words that mean two very different things. Or ensure/insure.

Consistency--I thrive on it. Yet, the longer I am a parent, the more I am working to adapt, to redefine acceptable and unacceptable, to embrace flexibility. When Ella was a newborn it all seemed pretty black and white to me. Nursing was best. Pacifiers were bad. Sleep training was a horrible abomination. Cosleeping was a huge mistake (because how do you get them to sleep on their own later on?). Children shouldn't drink soda. Or eat candy. (Sorry, I was never in the "no TV" camp; I need my "me" time far too much.) Of course, Ella wouldn't nurse, which forced me to rearrange my thinking about formula. And she cried a lot, which forced me to rethink the pacifier. She kept doing that--forcing me to adapt, to stop taking such a hard line.

And along came Sadie. What you might call a game changer. Not because she's that much more difficult than Ella (she's easier in some ways, more complicated in others) but because she was a completely different person. So, for instance, when I found myself waking to nurse four times a night when Sadie was 10 months old and I was falling apart at the seams, sleep training suddenly didn't seem quite so evil. Granted, it was a hugely stressful experience for all of us and it didn't end up solving the sleep problem, but that doesn't mean it doesn't work--isn't necessary sometimes. Flexibility.

I thought I'd be a better parent than I am. More patient. More understanding. More interactive and educational. But I'll be honest--sometimes it's easier to turn the television on than it is to write a story together or play Monopoly (evil game, that) or do that awful, horrible game where the girls make me pretend they are dogs (yeah, I know imagination and all that, but I just really dislike that game). I never expected to be the mom at the grocery store that everyone is staring at because she's being so completely harsh with her children. (And yes, I know that we've ALL been that mom at some point; and seriously, if you haven't, can you share your secret?) But I guess I also didn't realize before that the awful, horrible, yelling mom at the grocery store was probably completely patient and loving and empathetic for the first eight hours of the day--tending to invisible injuries, hurt feelings, and tantrums with total aplomb until she finally hit her breaking point when the three-year-old threw a tantrum about buying a box of fruit roll-ups (and never mind that you already have three boxes at home).

It's the same with running. That Sunday long run might have to become a Saturday long run because of that gymnastics thing. That five-miler might have to become a three-miler because it's all you can fit into your lunch hour, and your lunch hour is the only time you can possibly hope to run that day. That 5 A.M. workout might have to be bumped in favor of getting an extra hour of sleep after one or both of your kiddos kept you up all night. Flexibility. More and more, I'm discovering that there isn't one single training plan that fits into my life. And yes, I can adapt my life to work around the training plan. But more often than not, it's the training plan that has to be adapted to work around my life.

And so, I'm trying to remember to be flexible. To go with the flow. To change with the girls instead of forcing them to do things my way. Every day brings a new curve ball. Suddenly Ella has all these secrets she doesn't want to share with me. Suddenly Sadie wants to sleep with her lamp on. We don't do it that way here. Except now we do.

There are still things I won't budge on--car-seat safety for instance. And yet, even there, I've become more flexible. Yes, I know it's safer to have your child rear-facing as long as possible. I do know a mom (a car-seat technician) who still has her six-year-old rear-facing. But it's a pain in the ass, so I flipped both kids around age two (and really, most people flip at age one). I know it's safer for Sadie to be in a five-point harness for as long as possible, but I can also completely understand why her friend E is in a booster even though they're probably close to the same height and weight. Boosters are easier. And in a day that consists of thousands of negotiations and arguments and tantrums, sometimes easier is the way to go. Sometimes.

Flexibility--it's a stretch. But I think that's the point.