Excuse Me, But I Don't Think You're Supposed to Eat in Here

I ran seven miles today. It's getting cold here, and some of my run headed straight into a nippy wind. When I was finished, I headed to the Y to stretch, shower, and change. I had some time to kill and decided a few minutes in the sauna would be just the thing. So I stretched and headed back to the sauna, imagining that I would just strip off my sweaty clothes in there (since it's usually empty) rather than returning to my locker to do so. I thought that maybe this was a weird thing to do, but I clearly need to redefine my definition of "weird."

I walked into the sauna, and for a moment, I thought it was blissfully empty. Then I saw her. The naked Asian woman. Naked is fine. Asian is fine. But this naked Asian woman was eating corn on the cob. Corn. On. The. Cob. In the SAUNA.

[A side note here: I've seen some pretty questionable behavior in the Y locker room. I've seen senior women clip their toenails onto the floor (um, gross!). I once heard a senior lady claim that someone had stolen her towel. I have to admit I did wonder if she just forgot where she put it. People do strange things in locker rooms. Or maybe it's just that the Y draws a certain type of person. But this scenario in the sauna pretty make takes the cake over anything I've EVER seen in a locker room anywhere.]

I started to back out of the sauna. The Asian woman spoke: "Is okay." But what was okay? Was it okay that I was in the sauna even though she was in the midst of eating her corn? Or was it okay that I was in the sauna even though she was naked? I wasn't clear. It didn't seem to me like anything about the scenario was okay.

So I dropped my shower kit on a bench (an olive branch to indicate to the naked woman that I planned to come back and that everything was indeed okay?) and walked out of the sauna to strip out of my sweaty, cold clothes. I have nothing against nudity, but I wrapped a towel around myself before stepping back into the sauna. That's just the way I roll. I mean, who knows what naked butt has been on that bench before you. Yuck.

You might be wondering why I didn't just decide to hit the showers and skip the weird scenario in the sauna. I wondered the same thing myself. But I was cold. And I figured, "How long can it take her to eat an ear of corn?"

As it turns out, it can take a very, very long time to eat an ear of corn. Lying on a bench on the opposite side of the room from the naked woman eating corn, I listened to her chomp at the cob. It sounded almost like she was eating an apple. Lots of loud crunching and slurping. Or, I reflected, it sounded like a dog eating kibble and lapping water from a bowl. I hadn't counted on how loud the corn-eating would be.

Now, I have two children. They talk almost incessantly. You'll hear a lot of people with newborn babies talk about how they can't wait for their offspring's first words. I barely had a minute to even think this thought before my children were talking my ears off. They literally went from first words ("kitty" for Ella and "Ella" for Sadie) before they were speaking in full, mind-numbing sentences that often had question marks at the end. By the end of the day, I feel like my ears might bleed if I hear another knock-knock joke that has the word "butt" or "crotch" as its punch line. I love silence. I crave it. I've been known to snap at my husband for talking to me at a moment when I happen to be enjoying five minutes of quiet. It was lovely and warm in the sauna, and now I just wanted it to be QUIET in there. But the corn slurping continued.

I pulled myself up from my prone position long enough to glare over at the naked corn-eater. Either she didn't notice my passive aggressive stare or she didn't care. She continued to chomp and slurp. And then she made a sucking sound that terrified the hell out of me. Crap. Now the naked woman is choking on her corn. And I'm going to have to give her CPR here in the sauna. Then the chomping continued, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Finally, I heard a plastic bag rattling and figured the corn eating was drawing to a close. After all, once you've finished eating your ear of corn in the sauna, wouldn't you then leave the sauna? That seems logical to me. Then again, I would never eat an ear of corn in a sauna, so I'm probably not the best person to draw conclusions about what one does when one has finished one's ear of corn in the sauna.

Sadly, despite the plastic bag rustling noise, the naked woman was clearly not done. Could she actually be eating the cob itself? Surely even the most well-endowed cob of corn does not take this long to eat. But the slurping and chomping continued. It took all of my resolve (and my utter dislike of confrontation didn't hurt either) to keep myself from shouting, "Excuse me! I don't think you're supposed to be eating in here!"

Then finally, the noise slowed. Then it came to a stop altogether.

The naked woman heaved herself off the sauna bench and headed out. I had won. I had EARNED my silence. I had suffered for it.

But alas, the naked woman returned. And for all I knew, she had another ear of corn in her bag. Or maybe a container of potato salad. Or a jar of olives. Some chocolate cake? I didn't want to stick around to find out. So I finally left.

I don't think I'll ever be able to eat an ear of corn again without thinking of the naked Asian woman in the Y locker room. Which means that quite possibly, I ate my last ear of corn a few weeks ago without even knowing it.

(Take the poll.)