The Eternal Struggle (or Thoughts on Being a Working Mom)

In the past several weeks, Dean and I have started to have numerous conversations about the fall--basically, how the heck we are going to get everyone where they need to go in the morning, how we can get everyone home in the evening, and, perhaps most important, how we can accomplish all of this without me going insane from stress. The reason we pulled the girls from daycare shortly after Sadie was born (in addition to the financial factors) was because it was stressing me out inordinately to drop the girls off in the morning and pick them up every day. Commuting with a two-year-old and a three-month-old is NOT my idea of a good time. This fall stands to be even worse (if such a thing is possible) because Ella needs to go in one direction, Sadie in the other, and my office is still in yet another direction. On top of this, I am not thrilled about the following:
--putting Sadie in daycare at all
--having Ella in full-time school (though this is the only option offered for the four-year-old preschool program at St. Viator
--the possibility of putting Ella in before-school care
--the definite necessity of putting Ella in after-school care
--the fact that the girls will no longer be spending their days together

So, Dean keeps trying to initiate a conversation about how we will handle all of this, and five minutes into any conversation, I basically conclude that it's all hopelessly impossible. Enough said. We still haven't figured anything out except that it seems the only option is for me to drive everyone to school and pick everyone up since we only have one car. Dean wants to walk Ella to and from school every day, but I'm not sure how feasible this walk will be (it's only a few blocks) when it's pouring or snowing or freezing.

Once again, I am confronted by the impossibility of being a working mom. I thought it would get easier once they were in school, but it seems that--if anything--it will only get harder. I told Dean last night that we should forget about putting Sadie in daycare and once again find a nanny who can watch Sadie and also drop Ella off at school and pick her up. The heart of the matter, though, is that *I* want to be the one to drop Ella off and pick her up. As much as I've never wanted to be a full-time stay-at-home mom, I am so tired of constantly butting up against the impossibility of working full-time.

Ella's behavior, lately, is atrocious. She is a fantastic kid as long as I am giving her my complete, undivided attention. But the minute something doesn't go her way, she is shouting that things are "stupid," calling her sister "stupid," calling me "mean." She hit me yesterday when we were at the park because I said we needed to go home (because she needed to use the potty--yes, I am SO mean). She throws things if she is trying to get something to work and can't figure it out. She is so easily frustrated. She tells me she thinks I think she's stupid or that I love Sadie better than her or that I hate her. She hits her sister. And so, of course, I worry that the reason she is such a holy terror lately is because she doesn't spend enough time with me. Between my job and then my freelance work (which occupies me two evenings a week--sometimes more or sometimes less), I can't help worrying that I am doing irreparable harm to this kid. There is also the worry that all this nanny hopping, from Kate to Nicole then back to Kate for two days, then all the way back to Laura (our original beloved nanny) is screwing her up and keeping her off balance.

Sadie, on the other hand, is so easy-going. I hate to compare my children, as they are two separate individuals with very different personalities. But the more easy-going Sadie is, the more she highlights for me how very NOT Ella is. Sadie is so at peace with herself and her world. Ella seems to be crabby or angry half the time. And Ella needs me so much more than Sadie does. Her world rises and sets on me. I'm like the sun, the center of her universe.

And so I find myself questioning (for the thousandth time) my options. Do I leave my job and try to work freelance full-time? Do I leave a career that I actually enjoy--one that is actually in my field--to stay home and cut down some of my stress? If I do, what are my options when I want to return to the workforce? Will I feel fulfilled at home? Will I be bored out of my mind? Would I have the patience to be home full-time--especially considering that I would still have to carve out time to work?

I've often thought that a part-time schedule where I worked three days and was home two days would be perfect. But even that doesn't solve the daycare dilemma, the after-school care issues, etc., etc. I am growing so weary of this struggle. There has to be some sort of compromise between this constant juggling act of work and home. There has to be some way to achieve balance. But after four years of this, I certainly haven't found it yet.